When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Shame - the story of my life.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
