Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
