got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
