I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
