hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
