I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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