He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
