i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
