if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
