I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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