If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
