I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
