So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
