we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
