dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Princesses don't give blow jobs
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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