is your mom at the bar?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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