i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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