i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
