Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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