A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
