While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
