There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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