I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
