I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
