I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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