Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
