I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
be right there i have to get my cape
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
