I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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