thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
