if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
FUCK WHALES
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
