Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
