when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
