his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
