I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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