omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
