and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
