If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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