Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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