wanna go halves on a baby?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
