literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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