it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
