He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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