Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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