I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
