It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
