he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
