yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
