I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
