he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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