If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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