When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
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Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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