I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
