i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
