My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
