Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
