I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish i was in the wii world.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
