I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Too much gin, very little bucket
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
