It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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