he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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