I'm so fucking centered right now
My liver just broke up with me...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
